* s t a r d u s t a g a i n s t a p a l e s k y *

A falling star is a phenomenon to an adult and magic- a miracle- to a child. Who's right? Things are what you define them. So who am I? I guess it's up to you...

2.18.2005

*Everybody Just Wants To Get High*

First of all, let me just tell you that the "ex-boyfriends suck" box is full. And I mean, that's just the box from college (Mickey-Ben-Mike-Schuyler's Amber). So it is for that reason (though not only that reason) that there is no chance in hell I will be dating anyone in this school at least not for years. For serious. I am so picky it's not even funny and there's no chance in hell I'm going to run into Mr. Right because I already did.

So why am I at college? Eh? I really don't know what I want to do with life except get married and have kids and be a mom. *Resigned sigh* I mean, I'm going to stay here, I just don't get it. I was just sitting near someone I thought was very attracted and got annoyed at the way he tilted his head. And I'm always like that, it's ridiculous. But now that I've experienced a relationship that didn't have any of those really annoying quirks, how am I supposed to deal with one that's not?

Well, I'm not. So, yeah. I really just don't want to deal with this anymore. I'm tired of feeling ugly like no one likes me so I'll just stop trying. Guys like that. And I'm growing out my hair. And I'm quitting. It doesn't make me a lesbian. lol. But I am not dating. And I know I said that in the beginning of the school year. But you know what? I'm really serious. This is shit. I am not doing it anymore. I'll date when I'm 22 and out of the bubble.

Anyway tonight's movie was good. The guy wearing the white shirt was really really.. yes. just really.

I miss Shannon and I see why she decided she's never getting married. Because this is really shitty. I am a long term person and I can't be someone who just has short few-month relationships. Honestly, I can't emotionally handle stuff like that. I want a relationship like I had with Mickey even with all the crap that comes along with it. That's just the person that I am. And I think that dating for a few months knowing that it's going to be over is just.. unfair.. and defeating the purpose. And hurtful.

But you know what? Its a good thing because I want solid friendships that get taken to the next level. That's ultimately the best foundation for a relationship anyway. And I want someone who I already know doesn't have annoying quirks.

Ugh I don't know why this all got stuck in my head today but I don't want it, you can have it.

I just ran into pictures of Mickey and I from those photo booths on the boardwalk. They're actually really really adorable. I want that back, but I want to stay in a moment like that and never move and never change and never have to cry again.

I want that moment when Jenni and Ali came and hugged Mike and I after the dance.

Or the moment I walked out and knew before he told me that we were going to get back together.

I want that moment when Jenni took the picture of Mike and I at the sunrise.

I want that moment when Mickey hugged me between biology and lab in front of my locker.

I want that moment when Mike S came out of the school and hugged me for the last time.

I want that moment when Mickey and I held hands under our arms so our parents couldn't see.

I want that moment sitting in Central Park.

I want the first time Evan kissed my forehead and told me everything would be alright.

I want that moment in the dark in the flowers when I kissed John.

I want that moment at the last Sound of Music performance when Dan T hugged me so tight and I kissed his shoulder and thanked him for being there for me.

I want the first time Mark and I went surfing, or the last time I said goodbye to him on the boardwalk and he hugged me so tight and it was the first time I thought that maybe we had something, but my arms felt like they were going to fall off from carrying the 100lbs of chocolate down the bw from my car.

I want the first time I saw Jesse on the Jenkinson beach with his awesomely blonde hair and his adorable trying-to-be-cool half-smile.

I want the moment when Budd asked me up to his room.

I want the first time Mark took off his shirt and I couldn't help but wonder why he was standing on the beach with me of all people.

I want that moment when Mike P asked me to dance.

I want the moment when he asked Dan K "heads you lose tails she wins".

I want the moment I got to dance with Dan K anyway.

I want the moment Mike C took my hand at the dance, and I felt like he was mine.

I want the times he asked me to dance in grade school when I still was the shyest girl on earth.

I want the day I fell for Matt B before I even saw him.

I want the night I fell asleep on the stage holding Mike V's hand.

I want the day Nick listened to me sing and told me how good I was, and asked me to sing more, even though I wasn't any good.

I want the day Shannon and I were watching American Pie and Nick called out of the blue.

I want the day I went to Jason's house for a softball party.

I want the back of the van on the way home from New York.

I want the day that Dan T and I agreed that we'd always call each other back-- even though we never called each other at all.

I want the day I made out with Mickey in the movie theater and didn't even care that the theater was jam-packed with people.

I want the time I hugged John beside the bleachers and he told me he wanted to go to prom with me and he wished things had worked out that way.

I want the time I did horribly on my solo and Evan held me and told me I did fine.

I want the days I spent laughing with Jeff in Mrs. Breitzman's class-- and the days I spent staring at the back of his head in Mrs. Infante's.

I want the tennis days with Jeff Brad and Keith.

I want the first time I held John's hand in the car.

I want the time I found John's note on my windshield and the day of shopping (or not) with Vince and Janelle that ended in Stockton with his head on my shoulder watching some play that we missed the beginning of.

I want the days before Mickey met Jon.

I want the days when Dhika told me that she wanted to be at Mickey and my wedding.

I want the day that Greg D got my number in the bowling alley, even though it ruined everything

I want the moment when that cute blonde guy turned around and talked to me during all of convocation.

I want the day at the zoo when Matt B finally paid attention to me.

I want the day Mickey and I went to Dave's and he didn't know it but I was so proud to have him and not Dave.

I want the day Mickey and I let me into their lab group with all his friends and let one of his friends get kicked out instead of me.

I want the day Mark woke me up at school just to talk, even though I had never talked to him on the phone before except to find his car the first day we went surfing.

I seriously times a million want that first time that Mark pushed me out into the wave and I rode it to the shore on my first time ever standing on a surfboard.

I want the moments I thought Dillon K was flirting with me.

I want the moment that Mike pulled up to my house. I want the day we got my dog. I want the day we walked through the city. I want the day we surprised everyone by showing up to school. I want Gladiator. I want "go to sleep Daniel". I want shooting stars arm-in-arm. I want to beat him at spit.

I want the days Greg R acted like Dani Shannon and I were good friends. Or the day I shoved through everyone to go talk to Greg and apologize and then just hugged him in front of everyone that was waiting in line, not even thinking.

I want the day Phil caught me flying across the river.

I want the cake I made for Mike's 20th.

I want my sweet 16 party with Mickey.

I want the homecoming I asked Mike C to, standing in line with him like I even knew him

I want when Evan told me I was good enough to be the star.

I want the day Dan T came up to me and asked who I was because I just appeared out of nowhere with a center-stage solo to start the show. I want the day he came and sat with me all during practice when he was single and still trying to get Sara F. I want the day I found out that all my parts involved his hands holding my hands. And that I ended up hand in hand with him for curtain call for the Crucible.

I want the day I learned the dance for Oklahoma and got to hold my arm around John.



... I just want everything, balled into one, and I just want to stay there and love all those moments and never leave ...

But that's not life. But i have had a lot of love, and I don't regret any of it.


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