* s t a r d u s t a g a i n s t a p a l e s k y *

A falling star is a phenomenon to an adult and magic- a miracle- to a child. Who's right? Things are what you define them. So who am I? I guess it's up to you...

2.17.2005

*In A Little Bit*

No class again today. Not a chance I'm going tonight and taking my history test.

I can't get myself out of bed. I didn't even bother to set an alarm.

I'm depressed. Is it weird that the one thing I'm okay about is the one thing that yesterday I would've said I just couldn't let happen? I know very well that I can live without Mike. I never really even said that kind of retarded stuff. I just don't want to. And I guess, I don't have to, but I do have to not be the way I am. Which is hard. But just.. we talked last night. We talked like we did on the first night I hung out with him. And while it made it hard, because sometimes it came to mind that this is what made it perfect and we finally got it back, too late, it also made it easy. Because I know we are better than other crappy relationships. And I know that we could be okay and still be friends. Maybe that's the way it should've been in the first place (but I don't really think that), and maybe we just don't know what the future holds.

Anyway I really am depressed. I know now that I have this label that I can wave around - "severely depressed". But it's really really really real to me, and I could've told you that well before some doctor said "here's your antidepressants, just don't commit suicide or try to OD on them".

I can't wake up in the mornings. I don't even bother trying. I was up until 5 or 6 last night (or I guess, in the morning) and I just slept right through classes for the third day in a row. I don't see how this isn't an illness that my professors should have to work with, but I understand that some people are like this just because they're lazy but they're still capable of it. In all serious, I can't get out of bed in the morning. I can't read a book for schoolwork, I can't write a paper or concentrate on a test. It's a learning disability and an ADD and a fatigue and.. it's just feeling like you're not even a person. It's barely existing.

My own heroism is holding on for one moment longer. It's waking up for my counseling appointments. It's accepting an invitation to go out. It's accepting a compliment. It's accepting a criticism. It's accepting a break up. It's accepting that not all of this is my fault. It's eating more than three bites of food and four sodas every day. It's waking up for class. It's reading a book, no matter what it's for. It's caring about anything at all. And really, most of those things I can't do. But.. it's life.

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