* s t a r d u s t a g a i n s t a p a l e s k y *

A falling star is a phenomenon to an adult and magic- a miracle- to a child. Who's right? Things are what you define them. So who am I? I guess it's up to you...

2.05.2005

*Let's Talk About Sex*

I don't understand for the life of me how people can have random sex with people they don't know. I don't even understand how people can have sex with someone they DO know after only a little while. I understand how it WORKS. how pressure works, how "being in the moment works". But I don't understand that breaking point where you actually agree to it and do it and don't feel guilty about it.

I couldn't do it, I really don't understand how you could just.. recycle your body like that. Throw it away, really, for some people at least. I don't understand Jen and Bryan and Greg. I don't understand them.

Drinking is the same thing, although it's less destructive I suppose. Drinking, gross. I mean, I think its gross. But I don't understand the appeal of being drunk. Getting sick. Doing stupid things.

But I'm totally protected in my little bubble of nothingness and the only person I've ever seen drunk is you, dear. Which is always a good thing. It scares me that all this type of stuff.. the completely "secular" world or just outsdie the protected bubble world is being introduced to me by someone that i really care for. I don't like it because it shouldn't reflect on him because I would have been friends with those types of people if thats the types of people I met in high school. But it's not the case. So I hate that knowing he's with his friends completely freaks me out. I hate that I just called him a few hours ago and all I heard was girls, and him not knowing who it was that was calling (although I know he never knows it is me). I know I'm being stupid, I know I am. I totally don't want to be this way (and the beginning of this thing has nothing to do with him or us it has to do with Rutgers University and some other guys fucking facebook picture that makes me sick to my stomach repeatedly and keeps me wondering why i care at ALL how fucked up he is because its been over for a LONG TIME).

I hate me this way. I HATE that I can be really possessive. I trust Mike. But I have SUCH issues with this that it's not even funny. I can't help it, anyone would be the exact same way if they had been cheated on as much as I have.

I KNOW that Steve was a mistake. I KNOW it. I hate it. Shannon can't even listen to me talk about it because it's that repulsive. I hate myself for being such a bad person, for being that stupid, for settling for people when I should save my conversation (and lips) for someone who I actually like. What a concept. But for someone with my lack of self-confidence, it's not really a possibility.

Mike, I don't want you to come for one day. Especially a Monday. I know its Valentines Day, and I'm REALLY happy you want to come. But for one day, I think its going to make things harder here. Like you're here and then your gone when really you're supposed to be here all the time. I want to come to your apartment, I want to spend quality nights with you without always having freaking homework in the back of my mind. I know you're totally busy now, I know everything is going to be crazy for a while. I just feel like .. I don't know. Now that you're not here you're also .. never around. I feel like it's over.

And I'm really scared because I realize how destructive long relationships can be. I still feel all this weird, crazy, non-provoked emotion over Mickey that I didn't even know I had. It's a feeling of knowing it's over, of knowing that's what you want, but having so many emotions connected to someone that is completely gone makes this so weird. Mike, I can't do that. I can't. I can't stay with you if it's going to be over. And I get so scared on nights like this. I'm so scared that I'm going to spend these 2 years being your girlfriend and dealing with you being away, and then breaking up and having to deal with the breakup alone for years afterwards, with you not caring and not talking to me like he does to me now. I'm scared of having a long relationship. I'm scared of trust. I'm scared of distance. I'm really scared tonight. Really really scared. Enough that I'm shaking right now. Enough that I jump to conclusions. Enough to worry that this topic of alcohol is going to cause a first fight, or at least my first act of entirely-too-controling-girlfriend ness.Enough to wonder why you said "I love you" tonight when you generally don't in that way. Enough to say "I'm really scared, we need to talk".

p.s. I'm sorry I dont just tell you things myself. I'll take it off tonight if this whole thing bothers you to be here. No one reads anyway but you and Shannon pretty much, and I talked to Shannon on the phone all night.

P.s.s. I love you Shannon. Because you're never going to 'break up' with me :-)

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