* s t a r d u s t a g a i n s t a p a l e s k y *

A falling star is a phenomenon to an adult and magic- a miracle- to a child. Who's right? Things are what you define them. So who am I? I guess it's up to you...

2.10.2005

*UGHHHHH*

I just slept the worst sleep in my LIFE. That totally wasnt worth the time it took away from my life

I need three aspirin and a Jesse McCartney hug.

I haven't had one of those in a long long time.

We have a floor meeting tonight and that makes me want to cry. I haven't been to any except for one in the beginning of the year. In fact, I haven't even been to the mandatory ones. But tonights is mandatory, and I really could give a SHIT. That's right, SATANIC RA. I DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR FLOOR MEETINGS.

Unfortunately, I absolutely LOVE the other RA and some of the people on this floor (like uhh.. my roommates) and I get back from CLASS at 8:30 (which is enough to cry about right there, class until that late, ugh). What a waste of my time all this shit is. Like I really need to spend my time learning about history since 1865.

I actually got really really annoyed WHILE being asleep tonight over retarded dreams that I don't care to talk about.

Every time I think about going to the counselors I get that feeling you get when your body physically feels scared shitless. It's like almost chills but also like a muscle spasm that just.. OMG. I'm so fucking scared. It's not even funny. And despite the fact that 11AM is early for ME, it's not early to anyone else and therefore there will be people walking around looking at me going into the psychiatric ward. Oh fuck. I'm so scared. But I'm so fucking sick of feeling like this. In fact, now I'm starting to get ANGRY at everything, like, for example, the fact that every time i go to use my computer 3480394850439485 popups come up and I can't type because shit keeps bothering me. I just can't deal with that. I've screamed at my computer more than a few times, most of which my roommates were here to witness and think I'm losing my money. I am just, not well. I'm sick. I've been sick since a long time.

Psychoanalysts would say that my anger, anxiety, and sadness comes from a repressed memory of my childhood, like maybe that time when my dad threw me on the floor, probably drunk and angry at me for the famous only fight my family ever had which is why i never clean my room. For God's sake if I ever fight the same fucking fight THAT MANY times EVER i PRAY for the ability to NOT give a shit because HONESTLY i dont remember ONE fight that my parents had that wasnt over ME and my lack of ability to be PERFECT. And honestly, that one moment did scar me, but I'm not a psychoanalyst and I don't like that theory.

Behaviorists would say that my anger anxiety and sadness are selfish. That I have been constantly rewarded for these actions and now that I'm not being rewarded, I'm getting grumpy about it. Like, someone doing things for me because I'm too shy. Or not having to do things because I'm too nervous. Or avoiding any real sadness by always being negative. But I think that's a lot of shit because there's no benefit to feeling the way I do right now.

Cognitive Theories, which I would probably identify with most, would say that the state of mind that I seem to always be in is just a mindset of my own invention. For whatever reason, I let myself be sad, and if I really honestly wanted to be, I could change the way I think about myself, tell myself more often that I'm smart, have a great family, great friends at school and at home (-s) and that nothing bad ever has happened to me. I'll be honest and say that yea, maybe that is it. That I just need some "positive self-talk". But I'll also say that I need the strength to try that. And while i've tried curing it in my own mind, I just can't.

Biological, which i'm more leaning towards believing, would say that my thoughts were simply because of an imbalance in my brain chemistry and something that could be on my genetic code, which would explain why I really don't have any cause for it. Because with the exception of three or four experiences with an angry drunk dad, I have never really had anything serious go wrong. Everyone I am close to in my family is still alive, with exception of a few cats and a dog, and all that kinda stuff. But my past is a dark one. My mom's family is a mess. My grandmother is losing her mind now, but she is probably the most self-centered woman I have ever encountered. Well, she was an orphan for a good part of her life and had abusive foster parents. The one year that I lived with her, she would get angry if I used her phone, her computer, or even ate food from the fridge. It was ridiculous. She's crazy. And then she kicked me out and moved to Florida. She hates my dad because he doesn't come serve her at every moment. It's really stupid. My mom's real dad and step dad were both drunks who beat them. My uncle obviously suffers the most from it because he was the youngest and he runs away all the time (he's in his 40s now) and we don't hear from him for years and years. He's a drunk too, and most likely a drug addict as well. My aunt has a lot of the problems I do with anxiety, sleep apnea, asthma, depression, scared of the dark-ness. She sleeps all day and is awake all night. And they spoil that cousin of mine like crazy. But I'd say besides my mom, she is doing well. My mom, I look up to her, she took care of the family since my grandmother shouldn't have been there in the first place. But she had a huge depression when she was my age.

So, that's just a little sneak peek into why I believe I am the way I am. That's not even close to the history of one side, and the other side is similar just more organized- my grandfather was in the military and he ran his house the same. Which is what my dad expects of me, but he is actually really self-centered as well, unlike my grandfather. Actually, that's why my dad and grandmother don't get along. They are both really self-centered. My dad expects me to be at his side ready to help him with anything when he gets home, and he leaves me a list during the day of the chores I need to do while I'm home from school. That's why I like it at school. Besides the fact that even NOW when i'm 18 and MOVED OUT they STILL have fights over why I can't keep my room clean. I really. I really. I hate that. I HATE IT. I HATE THAT EVERY FIGHT THEY HAD WAS OVER ME!

Anyways. That didn't help the nervousness but it took my mind off the headache and made em realize that if depression really is genetic, theres no way I can't have it.

I'm gonna "study". Which means nothing now, doesn't it? Shit. I really should read but I CANT. I CANT CONCENTRATE. *cries*. I need something for the pain. HELP

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